Mind Furniture

My day started off pretty positive: nice cup of coffee, a breakfast burrito, a short walk, and then bam! I’m hit with an incredibly unpleasant surprise. While visiting a hospital, I used one of the public restrooms. I couldn’t help but see this prominent signage.

What particularly caught my attention were the words “DO NOT PUT HAND IN TOILET!”

Now, if you’re anything like me, you know there’s nothing you like better than putting your hand into a public toilet. While it’s fun and all to take the plunge in the privacy of your own home, it tends to be what we hobbyists call “familiar porcelain.”

There’s nothing quite like feeling the smooth, watery interior on an American Standard or Kohler that you’ve never touched before.

I’m not sure who to thank for spoiling my fun on this one…. The CDC? Corporate America? The Government? Regardless of who’s to blame, here we are again. My personal freedoms to reach down into public restroom toilets are being curtailed. We’re just one step closer to a nanny state.

#yes-thisisreallygross #no-thisisnotmyhobby #toilet

There’s been many wise sayings around learning from one’s failures. Have you heard any of the following: maybe on a motivational poster, on a tea bag, or from an older-and-wiser somebody?

• Fail fast.
• Failure sucks, but instructs.
• Don’t be embarrassed by failure; learn and start again.
• We learn more from our mistakes than from our successes.

There are hundreds of adages like these from many cultures over the centuries. Recognizing this, should I not publish my failures front and center?

I’m adding a new section to my resume. In addition to traditional sections like Education and Work Experience, I’m adding a new section: Failures. I’ve got plenty to choose from, but here is just one to grace my resume, along with the lessons learned.

FAILURE: I was a bright-eyed technical writer who inherited hundreds of pages of software technical documentation. In the midst of making many updates and revisions, I scoffed at a term being used repeatedly that I considered to be arcane. Using a global find-and-replace function, I swapped the word out with one I considered to be more appropriate. The final work was sent to the printer and a tall stack of bound printed copies a few days later.

Not long after the copies were distributed internally, I received an unpleasant email from our CEO. He had learned from our implementation team that this long-trusted-very-familiar word was changed throughout the documentation. As I was soon to discover, the word I considered arcane was actually a key vocabulary term for the users of the software and implementation team.

The CEO’s decision? Trash the stack of publish manuals, revert the word back, and re-publish the manuals. (Yes, my mistake cost the company thousands of dollars.)

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Be aware of hubris.
2. Talk to the customer (internal/external). Something may seem outmoded or incorrect, but there may be a backstory. Listen.
3. Consider how changes–even seemingly minor ones–will impact end-customers.
4. Don’t hesitate to ask a more experienced person for help in a quick sanity check: “Hey, I’m thinking about changing something, what do you think?”
5. Just because something is easy to change (like a global find-and-replace function) and gives one a feeling of accomplishment, doesn’t mean one should do it.
6. While the decision and blame was clearly and singularly mine, I was not shamed. Management’s response shaped my approach to leadership and management.

#learningfrommistakes #personalgrowth #failures #success

Hopefully, you weren’t watching our live, local TV news coverage of this morning’s Women’s March. We had a local event in our downtown, near our weekly farmer’s market. I was on my routine shopping trip for fresh vegetables when a TV reporter asked if I would be willing to be interviewed. “Sure” I innocently responded. The reporter stepped into place; her accompanying cameraman clipped a lav mic onto my jacket; he readied his tripod and camera; we were rolling.

Since you may have missed the video that I’m sure will circulate on YouTube, here’s the transcript.

Reporter: Do you support the Women’s March?

Me: Absolutely not. The whole idea is sexist and divisive.

Reporter: How so?

Me: Why do women think they can just claim an entire month for themselves? (I laughed incredulously.) Beyond that, it’s just ridiculous that it’s happening in late January. Look, if women think they can just spring past February and into March, that’s just arrogant. They’ve got to experience the cold winter months like the men.

(I was pretty pleased with myself at that seasonal on-the-fly pun. I was so pleased, that I didn’t think much of the reporter’s single raised eyebrow and cocked head while she listened. I went on… with great enthusiasm.)

Look, I’m an advocate of women’s rights. But still, women and men parading around downtown claiming women get some different calendar system is just crazy. I mean, people have to think this through. What would that do for scheduling business meetings, or booking travel? If people think different time zones are a pain, imagine different months!

I mean, fast forward this whole thing a couple months. I’d have little boy trick-or-treaters coming to our door, while my wife is celebrating Christmas! I’ll be at Thanksgiving while she’s in the new year. Honestly, the whole idea is just messed up. To see people holding up signs and chanting and parading around is just crazy.

Reporter: Ummmm… OK… All right. Thank you.

Clearly we were done; no follow-up questions; no waiver to sign. The reporter scanned the crowd for other people to interview. Looking back now, she seemed in a hurry to get away. The cameraman came over to unclip the lav mic. He didn’t say anything or make eye contact. As he was walking away he looked back quizzically at me. He squinted a bit and leaned in slightly. “You do know what the Women’s March is about, right?” I didn’t have time to reply. He was summoned over to film the next interviewee.

One quick Google search later, I found out what the Women’s March is actually about. Turns out it has nothing to do with calendars or months.

If I’m interviewed next year, I’ll have a better answer.

#womensmarch #sillycalendarhumor #ireallydosupportwomen

Playwright’s Note: The characters’ lines might read a bit like James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake. However with some imagination as to how the lines are delivered and the activity on stage, one will discover it tells a very simple story. Each character’s line is a palindrome–the sequence of letters reads the same backwards and forwards. Punctuation is not considered in creating the palindromes.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Ed: Middle-aged business manager and husband to Tara.
Tara: Middle-aged woman who is a nurse and wife to Ed.
Billy: Enthusiastic, primary school-aged boy. He is Ed and Tara’s son.
Commander Dave: A hero in a science fiction TV show that we only hear, but never see.

TIME

Present. It is an evening after a family meal.

SETTING

Curtain opens on the living room of Ed, Tara, and Billy. Ed and Tara are seated across from each other in recliners. Tara is doing embroidery work. Ed is reading the daily newspaper. In the background, one can hear ambient noise and some selected lines from of a science fiction TV show that is being intently watched by Billy.

---

ED

(Looking up from the newspaper.)
Tara, say…. Know “Wonky as a Rat?”
(He hums a few notes of the tune.)

TARA

Not a ton.

ED

(Visibly pleased with his wife’s intelligence, he chuckles.)
Smart nurses run trams.

(Audience hears the character COMMANDER DAVE speak from the TV show that is on.)

COMMANDER DAVE

Sulu! More Romulus!

BILLY

(Deeply engaged and shouting at the TV.)
Run! Leave Mire Rim, Eva Elnur!
(To his mom, excitedly.)
Amy stuns Nutsy, Ma!

TARA

(Laughing and joining in her son’s enthusiasm.)
Rail on! No liar!

BILLY

(Still shouting at the TV character)
To base! (More action is heard from the show. To his Mom, excitedly) Dave evades a bot!

COMMANDER DAVE

(The same character from the TV show is heard speaking triumphantly)
Know I won, K?

ED

(Exclaiming while pointing to the newspaper article.)
Ah, Bo bet an oily lion ate Bob! Ha!

TARA

(Shaking her head in disbelief.)
Gone nog….
(We hear the TV show being interrupted with a commercial. Billy gets up to exit. Tara speaks firmly to Billy, clearly reminding him not to repeat an unfortunate incident.)
Step on no pets.

ED

(Commenting on another interesting newspaper headline.)
Doctor Button’s snot tub rot cod.

TARA

(Clearly concerned.)
Not a ton?…

(The commercial playing in the background concludes with a catchy jingle and an announcer.)
Aca Plastic: it’s alpaca!

(Ed’s phone rings; he answers.)

ED

(Speaking to the person on the phone.)
(pause) Work. (pause, and then with alarm) Nay, relaxation?! (pause, and then firmly) No, I tax ale, Ryan! K?! Row!
(Ed hangs up the phone, having become agitated during the call.)

TARA

(Agitated alongside her husband as she understands the nature of the call.)
He stops nap times? (flustered) Emit pans! Pots! Eh!

ED

(Shaking his head and speaking derisively.)
Emil’s parts trap slime!

TARA

(With concern)
He stole lots, eh?

(Billy returns into the room. He proudly strolls between his parents’ chairs.)

BILLY

Ahem… No sleep peels on me! Ha!

TARA

(Crinkling her nose in disgust, looking him up and down.)
We sniff…. (searching for the right word) fins! Ew!

BILLY

(Firmly and defensively.)
No, cab lotion! (then pausing to reflect and then remembering with embarassment) No….it Ol’ Bacon.

ED

(Agitated with Billy, he slowly sets down his newspaper.)
Was that a revelation? No. (firmly) It a lever at….. (clearly frustrated and exasperated, then realizing what would truly affect Billy‘s behavior) Ah… T saw! (pointing to the TV).

BILLY

(Clearly embarrassed and concerned with the thought of TV characters knowing about his smell and actions. He begins to cry.)
He saw I was, eh?
(Billy rushes out of the room again, as if to hide from the TV and his beloved show.)

ED

(Chuckling softly to Tara and pointing to his head.)
He has a puck cup as a…. (shaking his head lovingly) Heh.

TARA

(Suppressing loving laughter about their son.)
Super pants peel sleep. (Raising her hands up to the sky in supplication) St. Nap, rep us!

(Curtain falls.)

#palindromes #oneactplay #reallyyoutookthetimetowritethis?

I’ve recently been thumbing through my Western Field Guide to Email Messages. I spotted the following emails flying in my Inbox recently.

Gray Low-writer (micrononpunctuous) – These email messages demonstrate the author apparently had the SHIFT key and all punctuation-related keys removed from the computer keyboard. These emails need to be carefully deciphered like ancient Greek manuscripts.

Crested Bigandempty (megacapitalatus) – These messages have an author who typed in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Striving for emphasis is undermined by the equally-sized letters; all words become of little importance.

Northern Shortword (abbreviatamae) – These emails are written by one who significantly shortened the content using acronyms and abbreviations that AFAIK s/b understood—IMHO.

Red-Eared Drawnout (rambleonandon) – These messages apparently have no beginning, no middle, and no end. Typically, multiple readings are required to understand the writer’s intent.

If you have any great photos of these in your Inbox, please share them.

Pillowology is a fascinating discipline within the bedding sciences. Every day, I’m reminded that during college, my wife earned her minor in the bedding sciences while I was goofing off. I’m guessing her interest began during high school. We grew up in different cities and my high school didn’t have any courses–let alone AP courses–in bedding sciences.

While she knows her stuff across the field (e.g., Sheetology, Duvetologoy), her favorite subject was Pillowology. The Pillows 201 class sparked her interest into a lifelong hobby. She stays current on the latest research, follows news about discoveries, and has introduced me to the complex world of pillows.

For example, she differentiates an accent pillow from a throw pillow faster than I can even open up my Pillow Reference Guide app on my phone. Whereas she walks into a room and can quickly assess them all, I have to lumber over, get up close to each one and inspect the obvious markers like tassles, piping, and material. Even then, I usually misclassify the phylum or the kingdom.

We might, for example, go over to someone’s home for a dinner party. At some point in the evening, I will look for a place to sit down. Advancing toward what looks like a comfortable piece of furniture, I whisper to her, “That’s a couch cushion, right? I’m good to go?” “Honey, no….” she coos with hushed alarm. “That’s a chaise with farmhouse accent pillows.”

As you might imagine, in our bedroom we maintain a fully array of bed pillows. Our pillow cabinet is fully stocked with pillows neatly organized using the Hazengerf method (size, density, and Lüfterloft).

NOTE: For anyone unfamiliar with rudimentary pillow taxonomy, two of the major kingdoms are Somacomfortata (sleep pillows) and Vigilcomfortata (awake pillows). Groundbreaking research of the Somacomfortata kingdom was completed by Count Von Hanzengerf in Bavaria (1742 – 1805). His contributions to the field introduced important metrics such as the Lüftlerloft scale.

For my wife and I, our bedtime routine includes strategic planning discussions around which pillow(s) to use for the night. We sound a bit like two seasoned handymen ruminating over which tool is best for a particularly difficult job. The following are excerpts from two different evening deliberations:

Jan 5: “Hmmmm. let’s see. I need to get a good night’s sleep, so… I might go with the 24-inch Primrose, but…. the girth on the upper waddling doesn’t have much loft. I didn’t have much luck with that last time so… the Hadley Manor might be a better bet. Maybe I’ll layer it, and use the denser Feather Hill for a foundation.”

Jan 11: “I dunno Honey… With your allergies acting up and your sore neck. How about giving the Excalibur 2000 another go? With a 3 on the Lüfterloft scale plus the memory foam…. It might just do the trick. Plus it’s hypoallergenic.”

Thanks to the free online courses on bedding science, I’m slowly catching up to have more basic knowledge of the field. Though it’s a bit overwhelming to wade into it all, it was well worth it recently. About a month ago, on a business trip, I was by myself staying at a hotel. Knowing that I would be back at that same hotel a few weeks later–next time with my wife–I invested the time and attention to identify all the pillows in the lobby, the lounge areas, and in the room. When my wife and I came back later, my extra effort paid off. As we strolled through the lobby up to our room, I casually remarked:

“Oh look honey, isn’t that a 18” accent pillow? The medium-density synthetic is tightly paired with those geometric Hyde and Crawford cotton throws. That’s a cluster pattern frequently found in public meeting places, right?”

The look on my bride’s face was priceless. Points scored.

#toomuchtimeonmyhands #pillows #fakescience

The following are short poems created by typing with only the left or right hand.*

Left Hand

As a creed: extra crafts create taxes.
Swedes weave grease vests few wear.
Crazed cats get free water sweaters.

Vast waves are at Warsaw’s west reef.
A stressed dredger crew craves rats.
At dreaded estate, few trade raw qat.
Crates are craved as drawers.

We are aware:
Dead weed trees are great.
A radar sees swerved red cars as at rest.
Earwax trades are feared.

Teresa, get a start at stats:
Edward craves fat treats.
Ezra gets “cave scared.”
Fred steers fast, gassed cars.

Right Hand

Phil! Boil my oily onion in yummy milk!
I’ll pull you in, you puny lump.
Hmph. Loopy boy. Mop!

I’m upon my plump polo pony.
Oh monk, hop on my hill.
Join my jolly job.

In Philly, I jump on no pool pump.
I mill upon my knoll in my mini blimp.
Lo, my joy!

(*) Punctuation doesn’t count….

#poetry #boredandtyping #singlehandedpoetry

Philanthropy comes from two Greek words meaning “brotherly love” and “man.” I was reflecting on how this brotherly love has been spreading with technology. For example, I received an email that was encased in a series of forwarded emails-like one of those Russian nesting dolls. Once I clicked down to the original message, I learned about additional uses of WD-40. Pigeon repellent, stain remover, and mirror defogger topped the list.

This, my fellow reader, is philanthropy in action. I don’t spend time researching alternate uses for household products. We can thank those in cyberspace who are devoted to applying proven research methods on such key topics.

A friend of mine recently received an extra bonus gift. While downloading a software application from a web site, he unknowingly obtained another application that monitored his activities on the Internet. It helped other companies know which goods and services to offer him. Businesses began sending him email promotions for all sorts of pharmaceuticals and financial services. (He didn’t even have to request being added to their mailing lists!) I understand some folks take a “no-nonsense” approach to eliminating this kind of “spyware,” but that just blocks the love.

It’s good to know philanthropy is going on worldwide. I am receiving regular emails from a Mr. Mundarabi in East Africa. He’s asked me to be a paid custodian of several million dollars his deceased father left behind. (Apparently, his father was a high-ranking government official, but the funds must be transferred overseas to a secure bank in the US.) As you may well assume, there’s always plenty of red tape when dealing with international finance. That’s why he needs my credit card information up-front to start the paperwork. Global philanthropy like this makes me want to hold hands and sing “It’s a Small World.”

I know of one company where every person was very busy-too busy to send an email message to each individual listed in their email program’s address book. So, one of the employees opened an email attachment from a friend and presto, it was handled for them! A special little program–some disparagingly call them “viruses”–eliminated the arduous task of selecting an individual recipient, composing an email, and pressing the Send button. This little program took care of sending an email message to every employee, vendor, customer, agency, and organization in each employee’s address book. True, the network administrator got a little upset-something about “crashing the email server.” But, who doesn’t love receiving mail!

Finally, I just left a website where I had the chance to win $2,000 instantly. Just think: before the advent of the Internet, we didn’t have these kinds of easy opportunities. All I had to do—and this is how freely people want to give these days—is click on a dancing monkey in a little pop-up window. (The monkey wasn’t even moving that quickly!) I chose not to exercise my primate-clicking prowess. I suppose my little daily act of random kindness was leaving the winning chance to my fellow man.

I’m still trying to track down the details on Mr. Mundarabi and his father’s involvement in the government. Though I haven’t found any information, I’m not discouraged. I figure all the hush-hush is due to top-secret stuff. But don’t worry, when I become wealthy from handling his investment, I can pass along the brotherly love. In an email.

#philanthropy #technology #internetscam #virus

Admittedly, I’m a bit of a geek and I know enough about email marketing campaigns to be dangerous. So, when I saw this email from the United States Postal Service arrive in my Inbox, I had to grab this screenshot.

Inspired by the USPS, I’m going to send a ye olde letter (yea verily with parchment, quill, and ink). Here’s a photo of my envelope, nearly ready to go.

#usps #emailmarketingfail

Let’s imagine you “unplug,” go “off the grid,” and spend a few weeks backpacking the Pacific Crest Trail. After you’ve enjoyed your refreshing time in nature and return to “civilization,” here’s the email you don’t want to read first.

#worrisomevacation #bademail